Actually Funny Lawyer Jokes

As a lawyer in San Diego for many years now, I've heard my fair share of lawyer jokes, both good and bad. The most common joke, and the one I'm sure you've heard before, is "What do you call 100 lawyers chained to the bottom of the ocean?" It's about the worst lawyer joke in the world. It's lazy, cold and uninspired. Sadly, it represents that vast majority of lawyer jokes in the world. They aren't even really jokes, they're unfiltered lawyer-hate. There are, however, tons of great lawyer jokes that provide insight into my profession. Here are my top  lawyer jokes in no particular order:

 

"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer."

~ Robert Frost (Not really a joke, but good nonetheless)

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

This final one comes from an actual trial. The transcript was originally published in the book Disorder in the American Courts.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law. 

Giving 100% in Every Case

I was recently inspired by a post on Nathan Burney's criminal law blog about defense attorneys pouring 100 percent of their effort into a case. It's always been my and my firm's goal to always give our clients the best representation possible. Sadly, there are many attorneys out there that overload themselves with cases, and therefore are unable to give their clients the full attention or effort they deserve in a case. Many clients recognize this and try to switch ships midstream, but this often isn't possible.

In Nathan's post, he describes a client who came into his office after already being in court with his current lawyer for two days. The client was frightened about the prospects of his case because he felt his attorney wasn't doing any of the necassary work. Taking on a case that is already in court isn't always a good decision, but this particular situation was an emergency. When he called the previous lawyer on the phone to get all the necassary information, he discovered that absolutely no work had been done. No calls to the prosecutor, no interviewing of witnesses, no consultation with experts and not even a detailed interview with the defendant.

The original attorney was offended and angry. He couldn't undertstand why his client expected him to bust his ass on such an insignificant case. In my opinion, that is a bizarre and dangerous attitude to have as a defense attorney in San Diego. Every single case, no matter how small, insignificant or routine it may seem from the outside, is extremely important if you're a defendant. Even the smallest charges can have huge implications in your life both financially and in terms of your freedom. A defense attorney who is doing their job should be looking at all the evidence, interviewing witnesses, talking to prosecutors, consulting with experts and working day and night to examine every angle of the case.

It can be hard for a client to know whether they'll be getting an attorney that will put 100 percent into a case. Some people say you get what you pay for, but that isn't always the case. I'm proud to have superb AVVO ratings, accolades from various law organizations and great reviews from clients. A good defense attorney is essential for our entire legal process, and justice can't be served without knowledgeable and dedicated defense.