Actually Funny Lawyer Jokes

As a lawyer in San Diego for many years now, I've heard my fair share of lawyer jokes, both good and bad. The most common joke, and the one I'm sure you've heard before, is "What do you call 100 lawyers chained to the bottom of the ocean?" It's about the worst lawyer joke in the world. It's lazy, cold and uninspired. Sadly, it represents that vast majority of lawyer jokes in the world. They aren't even really jokes, they're unfiltered lawyer-hate. There are, however, tons of great lawyer jokes that provide insight into my profession. Here are my top  lawyer jokes in no particular order:

 

"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer."

~ Robert Frost (Not really a joke, but good nonetheless)

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

This final one comes from an actual trial. The transcript was originally published in the book Disorder in the American Courts.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.